When Your Child Uses Hurtful Words: Understanding Emotional Development (Ages 4-5)

Understanding the Emotion Vocabulary Gap

Let me share something the Magic Book taught me about how young children experience and express emotions. When your child is four or five years old, they are living in this incredible paradox. On one hand, their feelings are HUGE. Frustration, disappointment, anger, jealousy, these emotions can feel like storms inside their little bodies. The intensity is real and overwhelming. But here is the thing. While their feelings are enormous, their emotion vocabulary, the actual words they have available to express what they are feeling, is still remarkably small.

Think about it this way. As adults, we have hundreds of words to describe our emotional experiences. We can say we feel frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, irritated, exasperated, or discouraged. We can express that we are feeling a little bit annoyed versus deeply angry. We have nuance. We have precision. We can say things like, "I am feeling frustrated because I had different expectations for how this would go," or "I am disappointed that my needs were not considered."

Your four or five year old does not have that yet. Research on emotion vocabulary development shows us that children this age typically use only basic emotion words like happy, sad, angry, and scared. They do not yet have access to the nuanced vocabulary that would allow them to say, "I am feeling frustrated because I wanted to keep playing and you said it was time to stop," or "I am disappointed that I cannot have what I want right now."

What Happens When Big Feelings Meet Small Vocabularies

So what happens when that enormous feeling floods their system and they do not have the right words? They reach for the words they DO have. And sometimes, those are words they have heard somewhere, words that feel big and powerful, words that match the intensity of what they are feeling inside. Words like stupid, hate, mean, dumb. These words feel big enough to carry the weight of their overwhelming emotion.

But here is what is SO important to understand. They are not trying to be hurtful. They are trying to communicate. They are essentially saying, "I am upset. I am overwhelmed. I do not know how to express this feeling, but it is BIG and I need you to know about it." The hurtful words are not about you. They are about the limits of their developing emotional language.

What Research Says About Emotion Vocabulary Development

The research on this topic is both fascinating and deeply reassuring for parents. A comprehensive study published in Affective Science by Dr. Gerlind Grosse and colleagues at Leipzig University examined how children develop emotion vocabulary from ages 4 to 11. What they found is that the development of sophisticated emotional language is a gradual process that takes YEARS, not months.

Children ages 4-5 use significantly fewer emotion words than adults, and their usage patterns differ substantially from mature emotional expression. The pattern of emotion word usage becomes more adult-like gradually, and at ages 4-5, children are far from adult-like emotional expression.

— Dr. Gerlind Grosse, Affective Science, 2021

What this means in practical terms is that your child is exactly where they should be developmentally. At age four or five, they are still in the early stages of building their emotion vocabulary. They need many years and countless experiences to develop the sophisticated emotional language that adults use naturally.

The National Association for the Education of Young Children emphasizes something beautiful in their research on social-emotional development. When adults accept and reflect children's feelings, when we help them identify and label what they are experiencing, we convey sensitivity and caring in ways children understand. This makes children feel heard and accepted, and it gradually builds the communication skills they need.

Children learn to use words to express feelings through consistent modeling and coaching on the spot by caring adults. Accepting and reflecting children's feelings helps them feel heard and supports them in identifying, labeling, and understanding their emotions.

— Dr. Jeannie Ho, National Association for the Education of Young Children

This is not something that happens overnight. But with your patient guidance, your warm validation of their feelings, and your gentle teaching of kind words, your child WILL learn. Every time you help them name an emotion, every time you model respectful communication, every time you stay calm and connected when they use hurtful words, you are teaching them something precious.

Gentle Strategies to Teach Kind Communication

So what can you actually DO in those moments when hurtful words come out of your child's mouth? Here are research-backed, gentle strategies that work.

1. Take a Breath and Remember: This Is Not About You

I know this is hard, especially when the words sting. But the first and most important thing you can do is pause and remind yourself that this is not personal. Your child is not trying to hurt you. They are showing you the limits of their developing emotional vocabulary. They are having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. When you can shift your perspective from "my child is being mean" to "my child needs help expressing their feelings," everything changes.

2. Get Down to Their Level and Connect

Physical proximity and eye contact matter enormously to young children. When your child uses hurtful words, get down to their level. Kneel or sit so you can look into their eyes with love. Your calm, connected presence in that moment teaches them that even when they are struggling, even when they use words that hurt, you are still there. You are still safe. You still love them.

3. Acknowledge the Feeling Behind the Words

This is where the magic happens. Instead of focusing on the hurtful words themselves, focus on the feeling underneath. You might say something like:

• "I hear that you are really upset right now."
• "It sounds like you are feeling frustrated."
• "You seem really angry about what just happened."
• "I can see you are having big feelings right now."

When you do this, you are teaching your child two incredibly important things. First, that all feelings are okay and deserve to be expressed. And second, that you are trying to understand them. You are not punishing them for having feelings. You are helping them make sense of what is happening inside.

4. Gently Address the Words and Teach Alternatives

After you have acknowledged the feeling, you can gently address the words. You might say, "Those words hurt my feelings. I know you are trying to tell me something important. Can we find kinder words together?" Then, offer them the language they need. "You could say, 'I am really frustrated right now,' or 'I am angry that I have to stop playing.'"

You are literally building their emotion vocabulary in real time. You are giving them the words they need to express their feelings respectfully. This takes repetition. You will need to do this many, many times. But each time you do, you are strengthening their ability to communicate with kindness.

5. Model Kind Communication Consistently

Children learn more from what we do than from what we say. When YOU are frustrated, angry, or disappointed, model the kind of communication you want to see from your child. Say things like, "I am feeling frustrated right now because this is not going the way I hoped," or "I am disappointed, and I need a moment to calm down." Let them see you using emotion words. Let them see you expressing feelings respectfully. This is one of the most powerful teaching tools you have.

6. Practice Emotion Vocabulary During Calm Moments

Do not wait for the big emotional moments to teach emotion words. During calm, connected times, read books about feelings, play emotion charades, create a feelings chart together, or simply talk about emotions as they come up naturally. "I felt so happy when we played together this morning." "You looked disappointed when your tower fell down." The more you weave emotion vocabulary into everyday life, the more tools your child will have when big feelings arise.