If your young child has been hurting other children, I want you to take a deep breath with me right now. You are not alone in this. You are a caring, devoted parent who loves their child deeply, and the fact that you're here, seeking understanding and help, shows just how beautiful your heart is.
I know how heartbreaking it feels to see your child push another child, take toys roughly, or walk away when someone is crying. I know the worry that keeps you up at night, wondering if something is wrong, if you're doing something wrong, if your child will be okay. And I'm here to share something WONDERFUL with you that I hope will lift some of that weight you're carrying.
In this guide, we're going to explore what's really happening when young children ages 4-5 display aggressive behaviors, what the research tells us about empathy development, and most importantly, the gentle, evidence-based approaches that help children develop the capacity for kindness and compassion. You're going to walk away with practical strategies, hope, and a deeper understanding of your child's growing heart.
Understanding the Empathy Development Window
Here's the beautiful truth that I want you to hold close: when children ages 4-5 display aggressive behaviors toward their friends, they're not being cruel or mean. They're actually in one of the most CRITICAL and beautiful windows for empathy development.
Think about it this way. Your child learned to walk through practice, falling down, getting back up, trying again. They learned to talk by babbling, making sounds, gradually forming words. Empathy is exactly the same. It's not something children are born with fully formed. It's a complex skill that develops over time, and ages 3-5 are when this skill is forming most rapidly.
At four or five years old, your child's brain is actively learning how to feel what others feel. That connection between seeing someone else's tears and feeling their pain, that ability to understand that their actions affect another person's feelings, that's a sophisticated neural pathway that takes time, practice, and lots of patient guidance to build.
What the Research Shows Us
Studies from Frontiers in Psychology demonstrate something encouraging: empathic preschoolers show significantly better social adjustment and more prosocial behaviors. But here's the key, these skills are FORMING right now, in these early years. Your child's capacity for kindness and compassion is actively developing, and this developmental window is exactly when your loving guidance makes the biggest difference.
Children showing lack of concern when others are hurt need empathy-building interventions, not punishment. These behaviors are developmental and can be addressed with proper guidance.
— Dr. Michele Borba, Ed.D., Child Psychologist
This isn't about a child being bad or broken. This is about a child who is still learning one of life's most important skills. And with you as their guide, with your love as their foundation, they will learn to be kind.
Why This Happens: The Science Behind the Behavior
The National Association for the Education of Young Children teaches us that children learn to express feelings through words and show empathy when adults model these skills consistently. Think about that for a moment. Your child is watching you, learning from you, absorbing how you respond to others' feelings.
When your child hurts another child and doesn't seem to care, it's not because they lack compassion in their heart. It's because the neural pathways that connect action to consequence, that link seeing tears to feeling concern, are still under construction. They're building those pathways right now, and they need your help to do it.
University of Michigan research confirms something so encouraging: while preschoolers with low empathy can be at risk for continued problems without early support, intervention during these formative years is highly effective. This is the PERFECT time to help your child develop these skills. Their brain is like a garden right now, ready to grow whatever seeds you plant with love and patience.
Gentle Strategies That Actually Work
Now let's talk about what you can actually DO when your child hurts another child. These strategies are backed by research and aligned with gentle parenting principles. They work because they teach rather than punish, they build skills rather than shame.
Strategy 1: Help Them See the Other Child's Experience
When your child hurts another child, get down to their level and help them see the other child's face. You might say something like: "Look, your friend is crying. Their body is telling us they're hurt. Can you see the tears?"
This helps your child connect their action with another person's pain, which is the foundation of empathy. You're literally helping them build that neural pathway. You're teaching their brain to notice and respond to others' distress.
Strategy 2: Name the Emotions Involved
Help your child develop emotional literacy by naming what everyone is feeling. You might say: "When you pushed your friend, their body got hurt and now they feel sad and scared. You were feeling frustrated because you wanted the toy. Both of those feelings are real."
This approach does something magical. It validates your child's feelings while also helping them see the other child's feelings. It teaches that emotions are information, not something to be ashamed of. When children can name emotions, they can start to understand them.
Strategy 3: Guide Them Toward Repair
Instead of forcing an apology, which often feels empty at this age, guide your child toward helping the hurt child feel better. You might say: "Your friend is hurt. What could we do to help them feel better? Maybe we could get them a cold cloth, or sit with them, or give them space if they need it."
This teaches something profound: when we hurt someone, we have the power to help them heal. That's empathy in action. That's the beginning of understanding that our actions matter and that we can make a positive difference.
Strategy 4: Model Empathy Consistently
Your child is learning empathy by watching how YOU respond to others' feelings. When you show compassion, when you name emotions, when you demonstrate kindness, you're teaching their heart how to do the same. This is one of the most powerful teaching tools you have.
- Narrate your own empathetic responses: "I see that person looks sad. I wonder if they need help."
- Point out others' emotions in everyday life: "Look, that baby is smiling! They must be so happy."
- Show compassion when your child is upset: "I can see you're feeling frustrated. That's okay. Let's take some deep breaths together."
- Celebrate acts of kindness: "You shared your toy with your sister! That made her so happy. Did you see her smile?"
What to Expect: The Timeline of Empathy Development
I want to be honest with you about something important: this is a process, not an overnight change. Empathy development takes time, and that's completely normal and expected.
You might see small improvements at first. Maybe your child pauses before pushing. Maybe they look at the other child's face for a moment. Maybe they ask "Are you okay?" even if they don't fully understand yet. These are HUGE victories. These are signs that those neural pathways are forming.
There will be setbacks. There will be days when it feels like nothing is working. That's part of the learning process. Every moment you spend teaching your child about feelings, every time you help them understand how their actions affect others, every gentle conversation about kindness, you're building those pathways. The work you're doing matters, even when you can't see immediate results.
Stories That Teach Empathy and Kindness
You know what else helps? Stories. In The Book of Inara, we have beautiful stories that teach empathy and kindness in ways that resonate deeply with young children. Let me share one that I think is perfect for this journey:
The Magic Carpet
Perfect for: Ages 4-5
What makes it special: This story beautifully demonstrates how kindness and helping others creates positive outcomes. A humble weaver creates a magical carpet with love and uses it to help people. The weaver discovers that using the magic carpet to help others makes the magic grow stronger. Every time the carpet is used to help someone, its power increases.
Key lesson: Acts of kindness create positive energy and connection. Helping others doesn't take from us, it actually makes us stronger and more magical. This teaches children that kindness is powerful and rewarding.
How to use it: After reading this story with your child, talk about how helping others feels good and makes friendships stronger, just like the magic carpet grew more powerful with each kind act. Ask your child: "How do you think the weaver felt when they helped people? How do you think the people felt?"
Stories provide a safe space for children to practice empathy in their imagination. When they hear about characters making choices, experiencing consequences, and learning lessons, they're feeling what the characters feel, understanding different perspectives, and internalizing values, all while snuggled safely in your arms.
Explore The Magic Carpet and More Stories in The Book of Inara
You're Doing Beautifully
I want you to know something important, my wonderful friend. This phase, while challenging and sometimes scary, responds beautifully to patient, evidence-based parenting approaches that teach perspective-taking, emotional recognition, and kindness through connection rather than punishment.
You don't need to be perfect. You just need to be present, patient, and willing to guide your child's growing heart. Every child is born with the capacity for tremendous kindness and compassion. Sometimes that capacity just needs time, nurturing, and the right stories to help it bloom.
Your child is not cruel. Your child is learning. And with you as their guide, with your love as their foundation, they will learn to be kind. The work you're doing right now, teaching empathy one moment at a time, is some of the most important work in the world.
May your days be filled with stardust and wonder, and may you see the beautiful capacity for kindness that already lives in your child's heart.
With love and starlight,
Inara
Related Articles
- When Your Child Hits Teachers: Understanding Aggression Toward Authority (Ages 4-5)
- Understanding Why Children Hit and Kick: A Gentle Parenting Guide
- Understanding Empathy Development in Young Children: When Gentle Behavior Needs Extra Support
- When Sibling Conflict Feels Overwhelming: A Gentle Parenting Guide
- Understanding Why Children Hurt Others and How to Nurture Empathy That Lasts
Show transcript
Hello, my wonderful friend! It's me, Inara, and I am so grateful you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been holding space for something that I know weighs heavy on many parents' hearts. If you're watching this because your young child has been hurting other children, I want you to take a deep breath with me right now. You are not alone in this. You are a caring, devoted parent who loves their child deeply, and the fact that you're here, seeking understanding and help, shows just how beautiful your heart is.
Let me share something WONDERFUL with you that the Magic Book taught me. When children ages four and five display aggressive behaviors toward their friends, they're not being cruel or mean. They're actually in one of the most critical and BEAUTIFUL windows for empathy development. Their little hearts are learning, right now, how to feel what others feel. And just like learning to walk or learning to talk, learning empathy takes time, practice, and lots of patient guidance from the people who love them most. That's you.
Here's what the research shows us, and this is so important. Studies from leading child development researchers have found that empathic preschoolers, children who have developed strong empathy skills, show significantly better social adjustment and more prosocial behaviors. But here's the key, these skills are FORMING right now, in these early years. Your child's capacity for kindness and compassion is actively developing, and this developmental window is exactly when your loving guidance makes the biggest difference.
Dr. Michele Borba, a child psychologist who has dedicated her life to understanding how children develop empathy, emphasizes something beautiful. She says that children showing lack of concern when others are hurt need empathy-building interventions, not punishment. These behaviors are developmental, and they can be addressed with proper guidance. Isn't that hopeful? This isn't about a child being bad or broken. This is about a child who is still learning one of life's most important skills.
The National Association for the Education of Young Children teaches us that children learn to express feelings through words and show empathy when adults model these skills consistently. Think about that for a moment. Your child is watching you, learning from you, absorbing how you respond to others' feelings. When you show compassion, when you name emotions, when you demonstrate kindness, you're teaching their heart how to do the same.
University of Michigan research confirms something so encouraging. While preschoolers with low empathy can be at risk for continued problems without early support, intervention during these formative years is highly effective. This is the PERFECT time to help your child develop these skills. Their brain is like a garden right now, ready to grow whatever seeds you plant with love and patience.
So what does this mean for you, my dear friend? It means that every moment you spend teaching your child about feelings, every time you help them understand how their actions affect others, every gentle conversation about kindness, you're building neural pathways in their developing brain. You're helping them become the compassionate person you know they can be.
Let me share some gentle approaches that align with what the research tells us. First, when your child hurts another child, get down to their level and help them see the other child's face. You might say something like, look, your friend is crying. Their body is telling us they're hurt. Can you see the tears? This helps your child connect their action with another person's pain, which is the foundation of empathy.
Second, help your child name the emotions involved. You might say, when you pushed your friend, their body got hurt and now they feel sad and scared. You were feeling frustrated because you wanted the toy. Both of those feelings are real. This teaches emotional literacy, which is essential for empathy development.
Third, guide them toward repair. Instead of forcing an apology, which often feels empty at this age, you might say, your friend is hurt. What could we do to help them feel better? Maybe we could get them a cold cloth, or sit with them, or give them space if they need it. This teaches that when we hurt someone, we have the power to help them heal.
And here's something the Magic Book showed me that I think you'll love. We have a story called The Magic Carpet, and it's about a humble weaver who creates a magical carpet with love and uses it to help others. In this beautiful tale, the weaver discovers that kindness makes the magic grow stronger. Every time the carpet is used to help someone, its power increases.
This story teaches something profound without ever mentioning aggression or hurting. It shows children that acts of kindness create positive energy and connection. It demonstrates that helping others doesn't take from us, it actually makes us stronger and more magical. After reading this story with your child, you can talk about how helping others feels good and makes friendships stronger, just like the magic carpet grew more powerful with each kind act.
The research tells us that children learn empathy through modeling, consistent practice, and supportive environments where they can safely explore emotions. Stories provide that safe space. When children hear about characters making choices, experiencing consequences, and learning lessons, they're practicing empathy in their imagination. They're feeling what the characters feel, understanding different perspectives, and internalizing values, all while snuggled safely in your arms.
I want you to know something important, my wonderful friend. This phase, while challenging and sometimes scary, responds beautifully to patient, evidence-based parenting approaches that teach perspective-taking, emotional recognition, and kindness through connection rather than punishment. You don't need to be perfect. You just need to be present, patient, and willing to guide your child's growing heart.
The Magic Book whispers this truth. Every child is born with the capacity for tremendous kindness and compassion. Sometimes that capacity just needs time, nurturing, and the right stories to help it bloom. Your child is not cruel. Your child is learning. And with you as their guide, with your love as their foundation, they will learn to be kind.
Find The Magic Carpet and other stories about kindness and helping others in The Book of Inara. Let these stories be gentle teachers for your child's developing heart. And remember, you're doing beautifully. The fact that you care this much, that you're seeking help and understanding, that you want better for your child, that's everything.
With love and starlight, Inara.
