Understanding Your Child's Competitive Feelings | When Winning Feels Like Everything

Hello, wonderful parent! It's me, Inara, and I am so glad you're here today. You know, the Magic Book and I have been hearing from so many parents who are navigating something that feels really challenging. Maybe this sounds familiar—your child is playing a game, and suddenly, they either give up the moment things get hard, or they become so intense and aggressive that everyone ends up upset. And you're standing there thinking, why can't they just... play? Why does competition have to be all or nothing?

First, I want you to take a deep breath with me. You are not alone in this. This is one of the MOST common challenges parents face with children around ages five and six, and there is so much we can understand about what's really happening in your child's beautiful, growing heart.

Here's what the Magic Book taught me, and what research shows us too. When your child either gives up immediately or becomes overly aggressive during competition, they're not being difficult. They're not trying to ruin game night or embarrass you at the playground. What's really happening is that your child is learning one of life's most complex skills—emotional balance. And that, my friend, takes time.

Let me share something WONDERFUL with you. Research from child development experts shows that children at this age are right in the middle of developing emotional regulation skills. Their brains are learning how to manage big feelings like disappointment, frustration, and that intense desire to succeed. When a five or six year old encounters competition, their nervous system can become flooded with feelings that they don't yet have the tools to manage. So what do they do? They either shut down completely to protect themselves from those overwhelming feelings, or they express those feelings in the biggest way they know how—through aggression or intensity.

And here's the beautiful truth that the Magic Book whispers to me. Neither of these responses means your child is broken or behind. It means they're learning. They're discovering how to navigate the space between trying their best and accepting outcomes they can't control. That's not easy, even for adults!

Now, let me tell you what experts have discovered about competition and young children. Patty Wipfler, who has studied children's emotional needs for decades, explains that when children show extreme competitive behavior, it often reflects something deeper. She says that no matter how much attention competitive children get for being first or best, it never feels like enough. What they're really seeking isn't the win itself—it's the feeling of being valued, of being safe, of knowing they matter whether they win or lose.

Isn't that beautiful? Your child's struggle with competition is actually their heart asking, do you still love me when I don't win? Am I still special when I'm not the best? And the answer, of course, is YES. Always yes.

Research on youth sports tells us something else that's so important. Studies show that the main reason children participate in games and activities is to have FUN. Not to win. Not to be the best. To have fun, to be with friends, to learn new skills. But here's what happens—sometimes we adults, without meaning to, shift that focus. We celebrate the wins more than the effort. We emphasize being first more than being kind. And children pick up on that, and suddenly, winning feels like everything.

So what can we do? How can we help our children find that beautiful balance between trying their best and staying emotionally regulated?

First, we can celebrate the journey, not just the destination. When your child is playing a game, notice their effort. Notice their creativity. Notice when they help someone else or when they keep trying even though it's hard. You might say something like, I noticed you kept going even when that was tricky. That took real courage. Or, I saw how you helped your friend when they were struggling. That was so kind.

Second, we can model gracious losing and winning ourselves. Children learn so much from watching us. When you play games with your child, let them see you handle disappointment with grace. You might say, oh, you won that round! Good for you. I'm going to try a different strategy next time. Or when you win, you can say, that was a fun game! You played so well. Want to play again?

Third, we can teach coping strategies for those big feelings. When your child starts to feel overwhelmed during competition, help them pause. You might say, I can see this is feeling really big right now. Let's take three deep breaths together. Or, your body is telling you it needs a break. Let's step away for a moment. Teaching children that it's okay to pause, to breathe, to reset—that's a gift that will serve them their whole lives.

And fourth, we can help them find their own rhythm. Not every child needs to be the fastest or the strongest or the first. Some children shine in persistence. Some shine in creativity. Some shine in helping others succeed. When we help our children discover their own unique strengths and their own pace, we free them from the pressure of having to be the best at everything.

You know, the Magic Book and I have a story that speaks to this so beautifully. It's called The Dream-Rhythm Marathon, and it's about two friends, Kenji and Maeva, who discover something magical. They learn that every person has their own dream-rhythm—their own perfect pace for moving through challenges. In the story, they're running a marathon, and at first, they're worried about keeping up with everyone else. But then, with help from a wise guide named Celeste, they discover that when they listen to their own inner rhythm, when they honor their own pace, they can keep going. They can persist. They can help each other. And they can celebrate the journey, not just the finish line.

This story is perfect for children who are learning about competition because it shows them that success isn't about being faster than everyone else. It's about finding your own rhythm, supporting your friends, and discovering that persistence and dreams work together to carry you forward.

After you read this story with your child, you might talk about what their dream-rhythm feels like. You might ask, when do you feel like you're moving at just the right pace for you? What helps you keep going when something feels hard? These conversations help children develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

Here's what I want you to remember, my wonderful friend. Your child's struggle with competition is not a problem to fix. It's a developmental phase to support. Every time they give up too quickly, they're learning about their own limits. Every time they become too aggressive, they're learning about emotional regulation. And every time you respond with patience, with understanding, with gentle guidance—you're teaching them that they are loved and valued no matter what.

The research is so clear on this. Children who learn to view challenges as opportunities for growth, rather than threats to their self-worth, develop resilience and confidence that lasts a lifetime. And that learning happens through your gentle support, through stories that model healthy competition, and through practice, practice, practice.

So the next time your child either gives up or gets too intense during a game, take a breath. Remember that their brain is still learning. Remember that they're asking, am I still okay if I don't win? And then, with all the warmth in your heart, show them the answer. Yes, my love. You are always okay. You are always enough. Let's try again, together.

The Magic Book and I are always here for you, cheering you on. You're doing such beautiful work, raising a child who is learning to navigate this complex world with courage and heart.

With love and starlight, Inara.